denisepsychotherapist

The Feelings & Self-Care Connection

Wed, 09 Oct 2019 17:58:38 GMT

What's the difference between emotions & feelings, and how do they impact our behavior?

NEWSFLASH: Feelings Aren’t Facts!

Did you know that your feelings are like a warning system in your body, and that they are learned?

They show up in our behavior and come from our belief system but be clear: feelings are not facts . When we ignore, numb, stuff down, and/or let them take over, feelings can create issues for us that impact not only ourselves but the people we love. When we don’t take care of our body’s ‘warning system’, we are neglecting our needs or wants, and this is where our self-care suffers.

IN THIS CORNER: Feelings vs. Emotions

Let’s talk feelings vs. emotions. Did you know they are not the same?

Emotions are our innate alarm system that we are born with; they show up in our body, and are for the most part, similar for all humans. They can create a chemical reaction in the body – like cortisol when we are scared or mad. When we are happy or calm our bodies will release endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. This happens because it’s part of our hard-wiring, unlike feelings that we learn as we grow. Think about it like this: emotions are what you are born with, and feelings are what we learn.

SELF-CARE IS: Feeling your feelings!

So, how can we effectively tap into our feelings to help care for ourselves in a healthy way? Tapping into your feelings can be done at any time, in any place. You only need to stop, breathe, and be mindful. What does it mean to ‘be mindful’? It means tapping into all five of your senses; focusing on deep breathing; allowing your thoughts to just pass through your mind without engaging them; and then, scanning/checking in with your body. What do you notice? Any sensations? Now, notice what feelings come to your mind. Now you’re feeling your feelings!

OK, Now What?

Once you have tapped into your feelings what are they telling you? Do you need to do more of something because it’s calming you, bringing you joy, making you laugh? Do you need to take a step back because you’re angry, irritated, overwhelmed? Is something causing you discomfort because you're ashamed, lonely, sad, depressed, or anxious?

How are these feelings showing up in your behavior? Are you becoming distant, growing short-tempered, making mistakes, blaming others?

When you stop and recognize what you’re feeling, you can then be honest with yourself and figure out your own needs. Remember: you are worthy and entitled to feeling your feelings, and no one can tell you what to feel. Again, your feelings are not facts, but they are what you feel. Honor them. Set boundaries when you need to space to take care of your feelings and you.

Be self-compassionate when your feelings are tough (no one can bully us like we bully ourselves!). Forgive yourself. When you’ve not been so nice to yourself, you can’t be all that good to others.

HOW I LEARNED THE HARD WAY: A personal story

Long before learning about the critical connection between feelings and self-care, I learned it the hard way in my own life, making decisions that continue to impact me in my life today.

I am a foster adoptive mother, and I have two amazing daughters, but it was not always easy. My daughters are biological siblings who have a brother, who lived with us for a short period of time.

In the midst of trying to care for all of them, I got lost in the mix, stopped feeling or acknowledging my feelings, didn’t pay attention to being overwhelmed, and as a result, experienced significant health challenges that forced me to make a hard stop.

While trying to care for myself, I had to make the hardest decision in my life in order to save my life: I gave the oldest sister and brother up, and adopted the youngest. A few years later when I was in a better place, I was able to adopt the oldest, but I was never able to bring their brother back. My oldest daughter still struggles and feels less-than, while their brother continues to feel abandoned.

Had I paid more attention to my feelings and my body at the time, I could have made some better decisions - earlier on - that would have had less of a negative impact on the kids. I had to work on being self-compassionate to move through the guilt and shame, and on to self-forgiveness.

Me First Self-Care was born from this place.

GUEST BLOG ~Practice What You Preach: A Therapist’s Journey to Radical Self-Care

Wed, 12 Jun 2019 21:06:07 GMT

"Along the way, I learned to shift from survival mode into radical self-care."

EDITOR'S NOTE: This week's blog post was written and shared with us by Melody Parks, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and motivational speaker living in the Seattle area.

The last few years of my life have been the hardest I’ve experienced – which is saying a lot when you grow up in poverty, a child of divorce and drug addiction. That experience reflexively shifts you into survival mode when your peace is threatened, and let me tell you, my peace has been threatened, kidnapped, held hostage, and finally, set free. Since 2016, I’ve been robbed; endured a miscarriage, and the deaths of my mother, grandmother, and best friend; started and quit three jobs; opened my business, only to close it weeks later; and assumed guardianship of my older sister’s youngest child after fully grasping the depths of her drug addiction. Oh, and underwent multiple failed fertility treatments, made some painful discoveries about myself, ended important relationships, and along the way, I learned to shift from survival mode into radical self-care.

As a mental health professional, I have an “X it Out” intervention that I suggest to clients who come to me feeling like the world is on their shoulders:

Make a list of all the things causing sadness, anxiety, anger. Then, put a big red “X” over the things you can’t control. If you can’t control or make it better, delete it -- from your thoughts, heart, life. Big or small: If you can’t change it, accept it and move on.

In my own life, instead of spinning out over all the things happening that I couldn’t control, I decided to take my own advice and put a big “X” over the things I needed to remove from my life.

In one year, I quit three jobs due to toxic work cultures. While I met wonderful people in each place, their warmth couldn’t overcome the environment. I figured if I was going to be stressed out, I’d rather be stressed building my own brand. So, I put a big red “X” on being an employee and restarted my company.

In my private life, it was harder to do. I never wanted kids, but when I met my husband, I changed my mind. We tried nearly everything, but nothing helped us get pregnant. Pills, shots, blood draws, hormones, disappointment, tears – fertility treatments are the worst. They drained our bank account and my emotional reserves. Every month was an emotional roller coaster ride that I wanted to get off. Finally, I decided to put a big “X” on having a kid. I loved our life the way it was.

As all of this was going on, my husband and I took care of our sweet niece. She’s funny, smart, creative, and resilient. I wish she’d come into our lives much sooner because, by the time she reached me, I was depleted. My husband rocked it yet nearly every day, I felt like I was suffocating.

Motherhood, that holy grail of crowns, did not fit me. All my childhood trauma woke up and poked me each and every day. It was a heartbreaking revelation that I wasn't meant to raise a child.

I couldn't take on even the simplest responsibilities because my anger and sadness were so strong. Crying spells, isolating, sleeping like crap, eating too much; depression took a strong hold. I was a mess, and I can’t tell you how hard it is diagnosing yourself after you’ve spent years diagnosing other people.

In the middle of this mess, I also realized that there were so many parts of myself I didn’t like. I acknowledged that I’m at times selfish, insensitive, cold, angry, and, so on. I also remembered that I’m intuitive, a hard-worker, strong, creative, ambitious, and so on. As I crawled out of the funk, I realized I needed to accept all of me, not just the parts I’m proud to show.

During this period, I made two of the most difficult decisions of my life. First, I took my niece back to live with family in Texas. Then, I ended my marriage to a man who grew up in a safe, loving, supportive home – something foreign to me – and understandably wanted to create the same with me and our future children. Three people I loved dearly (myself, my husband, and our niece) would feel intense pain because of my decisions, but I realized that we all needed something else, something more. So, I put an “X” on my marriage to free us.

A girlfriend called my choices “Radical Self-Care.” I'd never heard that before. I was just trying to feel like Melody again; I had missed me. While I preach self-care to my clients constantly, it took me a long time to heed it myself. Now, I cry when I feel like it; hibernate when I need rest; take walks; talk; don’t talk; work; and don’t work.

In our culture, women are taught to give in, accommodate, acquiesce. Give your life, submit your bodies, and suppress your dreams to serve everyone BUT yourself. If you don’t, you’re shamed. But I'm not built that way. I can't and won't sacrifice me and won't judge others for making choices I wouldn't necessarily make so they can be free.

I choose me and look forward to the day when a woman choosing her own path isn't considered radical.

I’m practicing what I’ve preached for so many years.

And I don’t regret a damn thing.

Melody Parks is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and motivational speaker who lives in the Seattle area. You can reach her at www.ParksTherapy.com , her Facebook page, Parks Psychotherapy Group , and on Instagram at @melodylmft.

Self-Care Ain't Always Pretty

Thu, 23 May 2019 22:52:57 GMT

After crying so hard and long that my eyes were swollen, I wasn’t sure I was going to pull through the night. But, thinking of the little person I was now responsible for – and knowing deep within myself that I was worthy enough to keep living – I did it. As bad as I felt, I did what I had to do to put Me First.

I'm sure it was well after midnight, but my therapist, who had told me many times to call her when I needed to, answered my late-night call as if she was expecting me. With my words stuck in my throat, she called my name and told me it was okay. She told me to breathe.

I felt like I was going to choke, but with all my might, I pulled in all the air I could and pushed it out, over and over, until I could speak. I don’t remember the conversation, but I know it was the last time I had a major depressive episode. You know, the kind that doesn’t let you get out of bed, wash your behind, or go to work? When the sun rose that morning, so did the idea of Me First Self-Care.

First and foremost, I wanted to make sure I would never again find myself at rock bottom, but I wasn’t sure how to do it by myself. I knew I needed someone to listen to me and help me create a plan that would transform my life as a single, adoptive mom with an amazing-yet-killing-me-softly entertainment industry career. As much as I tried, though, I couldn’t find that person.

Borrowing from Gandhi, I decided to “be the change you want to see in the world”, and created the resource I needed to heal myself, and women like me. I created the Me First Self-Care program to:

1. Help women asses their needs

2. Determine the best course of action based on that assessment

3. Create a realistic plan that fits each person’s life

4. Serve as a coach and accountability partner

Through my own personal experiences and training as a licensed psychotherapist (part of my radical self-care plan was giving up the stressful career I loved and pursuing my passion for helping women), I’ve learned that self-care is not the cure for depression, but one of many tools. It’s not about doing your hair and nails and going to the spa. Radical self-care is about doing the hard work that brings you back from the brink of mental, physical or spiritual collapse, and transforming your life.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing the bad, the ugly, and not-so-awesome about the journey towards radical self-care, along with tools to help you along your path. Let’s get into this together.

Practice Makes Perfect: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

Mon, 15 Apr 2019 04:27:44 GMT

Even as I sat down to write this, I was overcome. With what, exactly? My old friend Imposter Syndrome – the fear that you’re going to be found to be a fraud, despite the evidence to the contrary.

My fear is that I, a healthcare professional, am a fraud if I’m not physically fit. While my work is about teaching and guiding women toward better mental health, self-care, and self-love, this has been a fear of mine for years . Why? Because I think that others judge my physical appearance as much as I do.

Despite my concerns about my weight and my physical appearance (and really, how I think others perceive me), the truth is physical self-care is not just about your weight . It’s about making and keeping regular appointments with your healthcare provider; taking your prescription medication as your health as advised; practicing safer sex; abstaining from excessive consumption of alcohol, drugs, food, or other substances; being proactive about your physical safety; regularly exercising your body; getting enough restful sleep; and even putting your seat belt on when you get in a vehicle.

In many ways, my physical self-care practice was already pretty good: I attended my doctors’ appointments regularly, limited my drinking, and didn’t take drugs, practiced safer sex, and didn’t have the worst eating habits in the world.

However, I’ve struggled make time to keep up a consistent exercise regimen and food diet that works for me. For years, I was juggling two entirely different careers (putting in 18-hour days), plus parenting, being active in my community, and being a present relative and friend. But in October 2018, I decided my health – and ME – could no longer take a back seat. I quit one career to focus on mental health because it’s my “God work”, and my purpose. For me, paring down my professional obligations is radical self-care , as I’ve altered my earnings and given up a career that I love to create healthy work-life balance.

So now when those creeping feelings of Imposter Syndrome pop up, I take care to recognize the things that I am doing well, and I’m honest with myself about the things I can do better. I’ve created a customized plan of action to tackle my self-care shortcomings.

Since I experience intense daily pain from sciatica, I had to create a physical self-care plan that took this into account. I’ve been diligently taking swimming lessons, as it has less impact on my back, while providing a full work out. I’ve consulted a nutritionist to help me create an eating plan that is right for me, and have resolved to cook a few meals at home during the week, and make wiser choices when I eat out. And, I’m focusing on improving my numbers – cholesterol, A1C, and blood pressure – and NOT the scale.

Self-care is not about constructing a perfect practice, but practicing on yourself, for yourself, every day. Each day my goal is to practice some form of self-care that helps me to take care of my physical self. I invite you to remember that self-care is not a destination, or a prize that you win, but something that you work at continuously to improve your quality of life. It’s how I keep Imposter Syndrome in its place.

Mourning Our Native Son

Thu, 04 Apr 2019 17:46:58 GMT

When our community suffers terrible loss, like that of Nipsey Hussle's tragic death, how do we come together to grieve & mourn?

It’s grief that feels hard to explain because while you don’t have a personal relationship with these individuals, because they are cultural influencers and news-makers who are part of our everyday life,
we grieve and mourn out loud when we lose them.

Over the weekend, the culture lost another of what I call a “Native Son”. This time, it was rapper, entrepreneur, and community activist, Ermias Joseph Asghedom, also known as “Nipsey Hussle”. These losses of life never get easier, or more normal. Especially for those of us of a “certain age” who still remember the pain of losing Native Sons and Daughters of our own time as we witness and connect with the grief and loss of today’s generation.

I must admit that while I didn’t know Nipsey’s artistry very well, I very well recognized the outpouring of grief and pain I’ve seen on social media and news outlets. Personally, I’ve grieved the loss of many of my generation’s Native Sons and Daughters: Aaliyah, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, Tupac, Biggie, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and most of all, Prince. It’s grief that feels hard to explain because while you don’t have a personal relationship with these individuals, because they are cultural influencers and news-makers who are part of our everyday life, we grieve and mourn out loud when we lose them.

As I watched a clip of a memorial to honor our Native Son, outside of the place where his life was taken, something happened to cause the crowd to scramble and scatter. It made me think about the constant trauma and fear that keeps us as a community often in a “fight or flight” mode. I also thought about what beliefs we carry individually and in our collective consciousness about grief and mourning. Because these traumatic events happen frequently, we may not be processing our grief, and so our mourning may look like rage. And in some cases, it IS rage because underneath it all, we are overwhelmed and sad. All these things make me wonder, where are the safe spaces for our brothers and sisters to mourn their grief?

Grief is the set of internal emotions we feel when we lose someone,

while mourning is the outward expression of and behaviors around that grief.

Pondering this made me reach out to other mental health professionals to explore how we can address our community’s deep need for safe spaces in which to grieve, to mourn, to process, together. It also inspired me to share a few ideas and suggestions on how you can work through – in a healthy way – your own grieving and mourning process, whether it’s about Nipsey’s death, or someone else. I’ll be sharing these over the next few days on Facebook , Instagram , and Twitter , so please check them out @mefirstselfcare.

And while I hope these suggestions are helpful to you, nothing takes the place of sound assistance from a professional. If you feel like you need help to process what you’re feeling around the loss of our Native Son (or really, for any reason), please tap into these resources:

For immediate help:

· National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK (8255)

· Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741

If you would like to find a culturally competent therapist:

Therapy For Black Girls - https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/therapist-directory

Melanin & Mental Health - https://www.melaninandmentalhealth.com

Therapy for Latinx - https://therapyforlatinx.com/

I See the God in You | Eye See the Beauty in You

Thu, 07 Mar 2019 21:50:09 GMT

Spiritual Self-Care: The practice of connecting and nurturing your higher self. The self that is in no judgment, shame, arrogance or fear, and is without ego.

In the Fall of 2002, I moved to Los Angeles from Indianapolis to be with my mother, Eleanor, as she had received a cancer diagnosis just a few months earlier. She was my mom, my best friend, and confidant – she was my Shero, so there was no way I would not be by her side every step of the way. Looking back now I realize how young I was, just a few weeks shy of 32. Then again, I’ve always been an old soul, and I like to believe that maybe I’ve been here a time or two before.

When I arrived in L.A., other than being a support for my mother, I had only one other priority – to get to Agape Spiritual Center, founded by Dr. Michael Beckwith. In the run-up to my L.A. move, I received several recommendations, suggestions, and admonishments: “When you get to L.A., you’ve got to find Agape!” Even after I arrived, I continue to hear that refrain, so I went and found Agape. After attending my first service, it was clear why I had been sent to this spiritual center, because it affirmed what my soul already knew: they could see the God in me, and I can see the God in You. Agape was a long, long way from my earliest experiences with church, and with spirituality.

A BIT OF A BACKSTORY…

While working diligently to prepare her children for her pending transition, my mother talked with me quite a lot. In one of our discussions, she surprised me by saying, “I wish I had taken you all to church more.” I gasped. Church. Why? She said because she thought it was something she didn’t do well for us. You see, my mom worked every Sunday for most of my childhood. And since my brother and sister were both quite a bit older than me, I was often left alone. To remedy this, my mom sent me to church with a nursery school teacher. Every Sunday this woman would pick me up – and any other kid in the ghetto up who wanted to go to church – and not just church, but Church of God In Christ! They danced, sang, and preached what sounded like ‘hell-fire and damnation’ to my kid ears every Sunday. One day I asked one of the preachers: If there were so many people in the world, and they all believed in something different, how did he know we were getting it right and everyone else was getting it wrong and going to hell? He stumbled through some explanation that I don’t remember other than it made no sense sand didn’t satisfy me. Looking back, I realize I felt spiritually lost from then on for a long time. I needed an answer to that simple question: How could one religion be right while all the rest were wrong and sending people to hell who thought they had it right?

By the time I was finishing up college years later, I was spiritually all in knots, having pretty much given up on the concept of God, and of finding spiritual peace at church. Since my childhood experience, I had attended several other churches, and asked countless other people my question, with no satisfying answer. But I at least had a great time arguing with college friends who adhered to their faiths and tried to answer my question to the best of their abilities. I graduated college searching and trying to get some understanding.

Later when I moved to Indianapolis, one of my best friends – who at the time was saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost, AND enrolled in seminary school – told me to read a book called Conversations with God . I bought the book and read it with so much speed and intensity it was unreal. After I finished it, I remember going to sleep and waking from a dream in tears and repeating the words “Love yourself.”

However, it wasn’t until I got to Agape many years later that I finally understood what the book, and that phrase, meant to me. Agape teaches that love is the most important thing, and it was there that I saw that in practice for the first time. Participating in services at Agape confirmed the knowingness I had in my soul: it does not matter your religious leanings or practice, love is love and moving from that place is the goal.

SPIRITUAL WORK IS SELF-CARE…

Those years of searching and seeking taught me to focus on love, loving myself as I was made in the image and likeness of God, and to find God in the Beauty that Eye see. So today, I choose to see the God in me, you, and in everything around me. I accomplish this by being purposeful about doing spiritual self-care that centers around connecting me to the God in others and the things around me. Some of my spiritual self-care rituals include:

Writing a note card to someone telling them I love them or what they mean to me
Playing with kids and enjoying their laughter, innocence, and that deep “aaahhh” feeling they bring
Sitting at the beach listening to the ocean
Walking or hiking
Spending time with my sistahfriends
Reading spiritual books

It is behind the lens of my camera that I feel the most connected spiritually, however. Once behind the lens of my camera, I have one objective: to silence the noise of the world, and find all the love and beauty that I can

What are the ways in which you connect to your higher self? Please share in the comment

Self-Care Is: The Big O.

Fri, 08 Feb 2019 00:09:49 GMT

It’s February, the month of *love* , and it just so happens that my custom self-care goals are to reconnect with myself mind body and soul, deepen my connection to self and loving myself deeper, genuinely and authentically. To do that, one of my self-care practices is very mindful self-pleasure, complete with the big O.

(Yep, I just wrote that!)

Here’s why: as I contemplated my self-care plan earlier this year, one thing that kept coming to me was how, as a single woman – this also can be the case if you’re partnered – I’ve lost touch with my sensual self. Two major factors play a role in this loss for me. The first was being victimized, both as a child and then again as a teenager, and the second was forcing myself to turn on masculine energy and become a dominant woman to be heard and taken seriously in the male-dominated world I worked in.

I learned early on that my black female body was not safe in this society – by the age of 18, I had already lived through sexual brutalization twice, and even now, I continue to see the degradation of black female bodies every day. I’ve felt as if there is no space for my sensuality, without others deciding for me I am a whore, hoe, Jezebel, tramp, black bitch, or worse.

Well, enough! This year it’s time for me tune out those messages and tap into and own the parts of my mind, body and spirit that were taken from me by manipulation, sexism, body shaming and power plays. So, this #SelfCareSunday, I’m planning an intimate date with the person I’m falling deeper in love with: Me (complete with fancy smell-goods)!

And in case you’re wondering, and/or are looking for a “why” to try out self-pleasure for: masturbation also helps relieve stress, cramps, pain, promotes body positivity, personal power, and more. Give it a try, and hit me back with a thumbs up or a “hell yeah” to let us know you’ve taken care of yourself. ��

For those looking for info on positive and affirming sexual health, please hit up Dr. Jeshana Johnson with The Intimacy Seminars: https://theintimacyseminars.com or Jamila Dawson, licensed marriage and family therapist at: www.Jamiladawson.com

*Cue India.Arie*…

Self-Care Is: Float On...

Sun, 03 Feb 2019 03:21:01 GMT

How 1,000 lbs Epsom salt + 280 lbs H2O upped my self-care game

While I strive to include 15-20 minutes of deep meditation in my daily self-care practice, sometimes, life gets in the way. And at this moment, I’ve lost my sitting-in-lotus position-and-chanting discipline. This doesn’t mean, however, that I can’t take care of myself.

So last week, I tried something new: I cast my cares on my own private sea of 1,000 pounds of Epsom salt and 280 gallons of water for 90 blissful, silent minutes at the Los Angeles Float Clinic .

Why floating? For me, it’s an amazing experience that helps my body relax and my mind to slow. Lots of research points to how the three prongs of floating – Epsom salt, sensory deprivation, and gravity reduction – work together to accelerate psychical healing and promote deep relaxation, stress and pain relief, and mental acuity.

For my first session, I was able to my mind and find silence with no thoughts for 4-5 minutes at a time, which left me much calmer, peacefully settled in my thoughts, and more aware of my mind/body connections. I’m returning this week and will attempt to keep my silence for longer periods of time.

Want to try it for yourself? “ Float On ” (click below to check out that legendary R&B song!), and let me know what you think!

What a Strong Girl Wants Her Friends to Know

Sat, 22 Dec 2018 04:02:05 GMT

The strong friend, who suffers from depression and spent some time staring down the barrel of a gun

Deep down I want to pick up the phone and tell you that I’m struggling, but I fear I will fall apart and I don’t have time to stop for a breakdown; I’m on the way into the ______ (office, community service project, million-dollar business meeting, meeting to take care of my aging parent(s); or, I’m trying to help you through your crisis).

I want to tell you that I don’t have the answers to what’s wrong; I just feel low and you asking me the same questions, in different ways, won’t yield a different answer.

I can’t tell you why the woman that you see as strong feels so low… like I want to stop my life prematurely all while running a multi-billion dollar business, presiding over my organization, serving on the board of some amazing foundation, or taking care of my aging parent and/or a few family members who seem unable to pull it together.

I want to tell you that I need you to create a safe space for me to land; so that I can let go, if only for a Saturday and/or Sunday.

I want to tell you as much as I fear being hugged, I really want to cuddle, if only for a little while.

I want to tell you that I don’t want to talk, but I appreciate your presence.

I want you to know that a text, a phone call, a random thinking of you card or even flowers may be the reason I can get up one more day. At the very least, it helps me remember that I am loved and maybe, just maybe, it’s going to be okay.

I want you to know that I would be grateful if you just held the phone and let me cry.

I want to tell you that sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I appreciate you taking the lead, even leading me to a soft place to land.

I want to tell you that I fear you see me as broken and needing to be fixed, but I’m not and I don’t.

I want you to be aware that your own fear of vulnerability, does not allow for me to be vulnerable.

I want you to know that when you fear my silence, I feel obligated to continue a dialog or justify myself.

I fear that you can’t contain my hurt and pain, so I try and mask it.

I want you to understand your own beliefs and behaviors around the strong black woman, because you may be unconsciously causing me more pain; your underlying beliefs may tell me I am not acceptable if I appear weak.

I want you to know when you tell me to just pray, that it’s not helpful; however, your prayers are.

If you recognize that my mental health may be in crisis, gently try and educate me; otherwise, take me to get help even if I am kicking and screaming all the way. It just might save my life, even though I may not be able to recognize it in that moment.

Above all, I want you to know, I didn’t ask for this. This shit ain’t easy. It’s not for punks; but, I am trying my best despite what it may look like to you.

Sincerely,

The strong friend, who suffers from depression and spent some time staring down the barrel of a gun

Triggered AF

Fri, 09 Nov 2018 22:41:08 GMT

As I sat and watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testify at a Senate confirmation hearing for Brett Kavanaugh’s ascendance to the Supreme Court, read news articles and watched my Facebook feed, I found myself growing angry, then sad, then tearful, trying to keep from unleashing the trauma of my past.

It was all too much – watching Dr. Ford recount the things that are forever locked into her hippocampus; seeing women and men imply, or outright declare, that girls and women bear some responsibility for putting themselves in vulnerable situations; and reading article after article about men escaping legal and social responsibility for assault, harassment, or rape.

All of this reminded me of the guilt and shame that I carried for years, believing that it was my fault, that I knew what I was doing, and that I brought it on myself.

It made me remember that the man who molested me – excuse me, it wasn’t molestation, it was “only” statutory rape according to the law, since I was one week too old for molestation at the time of the attack – never had to face any repercussions for his actions.

It made me remember my mother asking me why I went to the house when she told me not to. (I know now that my mother had him figured out and that she was trying to keep me safe).

It reminded me of the experience of one of my clients, who met with a man who said he would help her complete her applications for a graduate school; instead, he raped her. When she went home and told her parents, she was admonished with “I told you not to go over there.”

It also reminded me of a friend whose career has been stalled after reporting her assault at the hands of a work colleague. Rather than being supported by her company, she was the one disciplined and made to sign a confidentiality agreement. She often encounters the colleagues who punished her at industry events, all while watching their careers flourish.

And as I sat there, I processed my emotions, scanning my body to become aware of the sensations that I was experiencing. I realized that I was anxious, triggered by these public displays of so much private pain.

Sitting with emotions is something that I teach my clients. I ask them to imagine their emotions as words on a stock ticker board, running across your mind, not engaging them, just allowing them to come and go (a process also used in meditation).

Body scanning also is a technique I encourage my clients to do , starting at the bottom of the feet and working up until I get to the crown of the head, paying attention to the various sensations and connecting with feelings, allowing for mind and body awareness.

I encourage anyone who finds themselves reliving a sexual assault – whether it’s something you’ve kept to yourself, or something you’ve shared – to use these tools to get in touch with how you’re feeling and take control. I also recommend that you:

Seek the assistance of a professional therapist: it’s never too late, and it’s completely fine to try it again even if you tried it in the past
Sit with your feelings and allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come up. Sitting with your feelings is different from acting them out.
Cut the cord: don’t be afraid to disconnect from the news media and/or social media
Walk away: if you find yourself triggered in a social setting, give yourself permission to excuse yourself and leave the situation. If you can’t walk away, you can change the subject
Express yourself: journaling is a great way to release what you’re feeling, you can write words, sentences, a prayer or letter to your perpetrator
Be self-compassionate: think about the kindness, gentleness and love you would show a friend, and do that for yourself
Forgive yourself: know that no matter the situation, you never deserved to be violated, and it wasn’t your fault

Additionally, here are some great online resources to assist anyone who wants to get on a path toward healing:

www.psychologytoday.com

www.therapyforblackgirls.com

www.melaninandmentalhealth.com

Peace, love, and health,

Denise the Psychotherapist

Hair-Raising

Fri, 09 Nov 2018 21:32:53 GMT

A few years ago, a sister-friend was visiting me when, with great anxiety, she pulled off her hat, showing me how her hair had fallen out of the top of her head. I looked and asked, “What?”, to which she replied, “My hair is falling out!” I replied, “Okay, it’s just hair.” She smiled and was seemingly relieved at the fact that it was no big deal.
Later, she again shared that she was losing more of her hair, and how concerned she was at the prospect of having to wear a wig, weave, or hair extensions because she doesn’t feel comfortable in them, and with her fixed income, was concerned about spending too much money to try. Even though she didn’t want to wear those hair products, she feared what people would say and how they would react if she had no hair.

It’s Just Hair

Understanding her anxiety around what was happening, I asked: “Why don’t you just cut it all off and keep it pushing? Again, it’s just hair.”

I added that she cut it all off, I’d cut mine, too, and we would be “bald beauties” together. She called later to thank me and to say that while she appreciated the support, I didn’t need to cut my hair off as a show of solidarity.

A few days after that, though, I was sitting with her when once again, with even more anxiety than before, she pulled off her scarf to reveal almost no hair, reminiscent of the TV character George Jefferson of the hit 70s sitcom, “The Jeffersons”.

Then, she pulled out one of the most hideous wigs I’d seen, and all I could do was laugh my ass off. (I know, I know – I was a bad sister-friend). While the wig was horrid and looked horrible on her, the ‘George Jefferson’ hairdo was pretty bad too. I asked her again if she thought it might be better just to take it all off.

This time, she agreed.

I don’t know if she asked me or if I volunteered, but minutes later – with all the love I had inside of me – I was cutting off what little hair she had and shaving her bald.

I wanted her to know that I loved her and thought she was beautiful, and that she was so much more than her hair.

She spent the next few days testing the waters and prepping her village for her new look. When I checked out her Facebook feed, I saw her in all her glory, bald, bold, and beautiful.

Her timing was in divine order, because shortly after I saw her sharing her fresh look with the world, I saw a trailer for the new film, “Nappily Ever After”, starring famed actress Sanaa Lathan, then read as another star, Jada Pinkett-Smith, shared her own hair loss story.

I am so proud of my friend for showing herself to the world as she is, because I know what hair means to us as women and especially as African American women.

Her hair drama got me thinking about the impact that our hair has on us as African American women, and how it impacts our behavior.

My entire life (and I bet yours too), I heard so many “hair-raising” negative statements (what I call “isms”) about naturally coarse, kinky, curly African American hair. These quips, comments, and admonishments, from “natural hair isn’t professional” and “natural hair is just too hard to take care of” to “my man doesn’t like it when I wear my hair natural” and “I want to work out, I just don’t want to mess up my hair”, are all outgrowths of our collective cultural beliefs about our hair, which ultimately shapes our individual behavior around hair.

Historically, African Americans have been taught that if our hair was straight or loosely we had “good hair”, meaning, we were closer to the white standard of beauty. If our hair was coarse or tightly curled, (“nappy” or “kinky”), though, we were further away from the white ideal, and thus, ugly.

We were taught that to be professional, to be presentable, to be pretty, we had to make sure every hair was neatly in place and conforming to the white standard, whether by the hot comb, relaxer, curling iron or flat iron. If we didn’t, we risked being seen as undesirable, unprofessional, and unpresentable.

It’s the messages that are embedded deep into our belief system often operating unconsciously and driving our behavior.

It does not matter how you wear your hair; what matters is what you believe about hair.

What “isms” do you remember from your childhood, from family, friends, mentors, intimate partners? How do they tie into what you believe about your hair today?
Were you taught that you had “good hair” if you had a loose curl pattern, and were “nappy-headed” if you didn’t? Were you taught that your hair is your “crown and glory” and was what made you beautiful? Or, were you taught it does not matter what’s on your head but what’s in your head that is important?
Now ask yourself: How do those messages about my hair show up in my daily routine and behavior today? Do those messages show up in my workplace? With family and friends? How do they influence what I say to my child(ren) about their hair?

When you shift your beliefs around your hair, you can change the way you see yourself, without ever stepping foot in a salon.

SIDEBAR

If your behavior around your hair feels like it may be limiting you, negatively impacting your self-esteem or keeping you from being your authentic self, I recommend this walking through these steps:

1. Analyze your self-talk about hair: is it negative, does it keep you from being who you want to be or doing the things you want?

2. Think back to the early hair messages you received when you were young: how did they shape what you believe about you and hair?

3. Ask yourself: how might changing my self-talk around my hair create different opportunities, or improve my self-esteem?

Peace, love, and health,
Denise the Psychotherapist